


a little more sense

by bramgreenfeld



Series: all i want [2]
Category: Rise (TV 2018)
Genre: Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 10:38:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16617374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bramgreenfeld/pseuds/bramgreenfeld
Summary: It's been three weeks since the cast party, and everything still feels a little bit off.





	a little more sense

**Author's Note:**

> i said i would write a sequel to all that i want thirty years ago and now here it is. enjoy

Waking up was hard. It had gotten harder each day since the cast party - or, what they loosely referred to as a cast party. It was as if his body had gotten used to being with Jeremy’s, even if it was just for one night. And now that they were apart, it couldn’t adapt. 

“Simon!” 

He barely managed to sit up without hitting his head on the desk. Ms. Wolfe was staring at him, her arms crossed. She didn’t even look angry. She looked concerned. Simon hated it. “I’m sorry,” he said instantly. “It’s just…” If waking up was hard, falling asleep was ten times worse. He couldn’t stop replaying that night in his head - he had hoped that the alcohol might make him forget, but he remembered everything so clearly that it was as if it had happened only hours ago. The cold of the air on his skin. Jeremy’s warm lips on his. Falling asleep with his head against Jeremy’s chest, the other boy’s arms wrapped tightly around him. He shook his head. “Can I go get some water? I’m sorry, I…”

“It’s completely fine, Simon,” Ms. Wolfe said, cutting him off. “Take as much time as you need.” He knew that she wouldn’t be this lenient if it was a normal day. But it wasn’t a normal day. It hadn’t been normal for weeks. He walked up to her desk, ignoring the piercing stares of the other students as he took a hall pass. 

He had hoped that breathing would be easier in the hallway, but nothing seemed to change. If anything the air was even thicker out here. He leaned against one of the glass cases, his head in his hands. In for two. Out for two.

“Simon?”

_ No. No. No. _

He forced himself to look up. “No,” he managed to say. “I don’t want…” He wanted it. He wanted him, he wanted him so much that it almost hurt.

Jeremy took a few steps closer. Somehow the distance between them was even worse further apart than it was close. “Are you...are you alright?”

Simon shook his head and instantly hated himself for it. “Why do you care?” he asked instead.

“I think that you know why.” Closer. Closer still. 

Simon stared at the floor, refusing to meet Jeremy’s eyes. “Well,” he said. “It really doesn’t feel like it.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Simon wished that he could hear anger in his voice, but there was none. Only concern. Fear. Simon shook his head. “Simon,” Jeremy said. “Please. Talk to me.”

“You left me.” 

Simon didn’t mean to say it. As soon as the words came out he wanted to take them back, his ears seeming to ring at the sound of his own voice. For the first time he looked up at Jeremy. He was only a few feet away now. His eyes were wide, confused, uncomprehending. “Simon, what -”

“At the...after that night,” Simon said. Whispered, more like. His words were short, and it felt like he was almost forcing them out of his throat. “I woke up on the couch and you weren’t there. I was completely alone. And then -” He cut himself off.  _ No. He doesn’t need to know about that.  _ “You promised,” he said instead.

For a moment, two moments, three, the hallway was silent. He heard Jeremy catch his breath, could almost feel the warmth radiating off of him even though he stood feet away. “I was the first one to wake up. Not just between you and me. Out of everyone.” Jeremy wasn’t meeting his eyes, his voice soft. “I thought that you wouldn’t want them to see us like that. I thought that we would - talk about it. At some point. When you were ready to.”

Simon crossed his arms over his chest. Jeremy was right. He knew that he was. It wasn’t even Jeremy that he was upset about - not really, anyway. It was what had happened after. It was leaving Michael’s house and passing his father’s car on the road, and coming home to find his mom in tears. It was when Lilette texted him a few days later that she was leaving and he couldn’t bear to go see her off. It was the feeling that had been seeming to suffocate him for the past three weeks. Alone, alone, alone.

“Simon?” Jeremy asked suddenly, sounding alarmed. Simon felt his hand on his shoulder, but couldn’t bring himself to push him away. He didn’t know how long the tears had been falling, didn’t even realize that he was crying until that moment. Jeremy’s grip on him tightened. “Come on,” he said. Simon didn’t have the energy to ask him where they were going, just followed him down the hallway, past the art rooms and the computer labs and the cafeteria. They stopped in front of the dressing room doors, Jeremy seeming surprised when the doorknob actually turned.

“I thought these were locked,” Simon said.

“They usually are,” said Jeremy. “I got lucky.” He shut the door behind them, climbing up onto the counter. Simon stayed standing, not trusting himself to get back up if he sat down. “So,” Jeremy said once the silence had gone on for too long. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on with you?”

Simon looked down at the floor. “You don’t  _ have _ to talk about it,” Jeremy said quickly. “I just…”

“No,” Simon said. “I…” He sighed, his shoulders slumping. “My dad left. The morning after the show, he was… he was gone. I don’t know, maybe he and mom had an argument that night, maybe he just decided to leave. I don’t know. But I know that it’s…” 

His voice dropped to a whisper as the words continued, and dropped off completely at the end. He heard Jeremy shift slightly, as if he wanted to move closer but wouldn’t let himself. “It’s what?” Jeremy asked.

Simon closed his eyes. “It’s my fault,” he breathed. 

The words had barely left his mouth before Jeremy was getting down off of the counter, coming to stand in front of him. “No,” he said. Simon was surprised at the bitterness in his voice. “Don’t blame yourself for this.”

“What else can I  _ do _ , Jeremy?” Simon snapped. “What else can I blame? Nothing like this happened before I was cast in this stupid show, before I was involved with -” He cut himself off abruptly.  _ Before I was involved with you. _

Jeremy went silent for a moment. The next time he spoke, his voice was somehow softer and harsher at the same time. “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s his.” Simon didn’t need to ask who he was referring to. “If he can’t accept this, if he can’t accept  _ you _ , then he doesn’t deserve you. He doesn’t deserve your family. And that isn’t your fault.” Simon closed his eyes. Jeremy was so close. If he moved the slightest bit, their hands would be touching. 

“Simon?” Jeremy said. “Do you hear me?”

Simon tilted his chin upwards, opening his eyes. “I…yes. I hear you.”

“Say it.”

“What?”

“Say it,” Jeremy repeated. “Say that this isn’t your fault.”

“I…”

“ _ Simon. _ ” 

Simon let out a breath, his shoulders slumping. “Okay.” Almost unconsciously he reached out, intertwining his fingers with Jeremy’s. He could feel a jolt go down Jeremy’s spine. “This isn’t my fault.”

Their eyes met, and then Jeremy was kissing him.

Simon had barely registered what was happening before Jeremy was pulling away. “Sorry,” he said quickly. “I’m so sorry, I -”

Before he could even finish his sentence Simon was moving, pulling Jeremy into a bruising kiss. He could feel Jeremy gasp into his mouth, his hands falling to Simon’s waist. He turned them around and pushed Simon up against the counter, pinning him down, his body pulled flush against Simon’s. Simon’s head spun, his hands shaking where they were tangled in Jeremy’s hair. Somehow his lips ended up against Jeremy’s neck. His hands were fumbling with Jeremy’s shirt, the buttons slipping through his fingers. He wanted more of it, he  _ needed _ more of it, more of  _ him _ . 

And then he felt Jeremy’s hands come up to cover his own. 

“Simon,” he said. Simon looked up at him. He looked out of breath, his pupils dilated and his face flushed. Yet still, he shook his head. “We can’t.”

Simon frowned. He couldn’t stop his gaze from falling to Jeremy’s kiss-swollen lips. “Why not?” he asked.

“Because…” Jeremy sighed, his shoulders slumping. “Because you don’t really want this.”

Simon could hear the unspoken question in his voice. “You don’t know what I want,” he said. Jeremy’s skin was so hot against his. They were so close that Simon could feel his pulse, his heart thumping a quick but steady beat against Simon’s. Simon tilted his head upwards. Their lips almost brushed when he spoke. “Please, Jeremy.”

Jeremy stepped backwards, away from him. “Then tell me what you want,” he said.

“I want to stop feeling like this!” Simon didn’t mean to say it, but he couldn’t take back the words once they were out of his mouth. “Nothing feels right anymore. My dad is gone, my best friend is gone, my  _ life _ is gone. And I just want for a minute to…to forget.”

The silence after his outburst went on for too long. Simon wanted to look away from Jeremy, but somehow, for some reason, he couldn’t. “Did you close your eyes?” Jeremy asked suddenly. 

Simon scowled. “What?”

“When we kissed,” Jeremy said. “Did you close your eyes? Did you pretend that I was somebody else?”

He had wanted to. God, he had wanted to. But as soon as Jeremy’s lips touched his every other thought had seemed to evaporate. “I tried to,” he said honestly.

“Exactly,” Jeremy said softly. He stepped closer, his hand hesitantly coming to touch Simon’s shoulder. Simon didn’t move away from him. If anything, he leaned into the touch. “Look,” said Jeremy. “You know that I like you. I haven’t really been good at keeping that a secret. But we can’t just keep doing this. We can’t keep having these moments when we kiss and hold each other for an hour and then forget about it the next day. We have to decide what we really want, and I don’t think that either of us is in a good place to be doing that right now.”

Jeremy was right. No matter how much Simon hated to admit it, he was. He nodded, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back against the counter. “Yeah,” he said. His voice sounded choked, and he hated it. 

Jeremy looked as though he wanted to say something else, but then the bell rang, cutting him off. He glanced over at the door. “Shit,” he said. “Um, did you drive today, or…?”

“I drove,” said Simon. He stepped away from the counter. This was the worst part of every day. Leaving school, going home to that silent house that seemed as though it was filled with ghosts, not only of people but of memories. “Um, I should probably go.”

He started to turn away, blinking furiously (he was _ not _ crying), but froze at the sound of Jeremy’s voice. “You can come over to my place, if you want.”

Simon didn’t turn around. “I thought you said that we shouldn’t be with each other anymore.”

“I never said that we couldn’t hang out.” He heard Jeremy’s footsteps coming closer to him. “You don’t have to,” he added. “I just...it doesn’t seem like you would want to go home tonight.”

He was right again. “That actually sounds pretty nice,” Simon said. He turned around, facing Jeremy again. The small smile on the other boy’s face left him almost as breathless as their kiss

“Great,” said Jeremy. He reached out his hand, almost but not quite touching Simon’s. “Come on.”

Simon grabbed his hand, intertwining their fingers together. For the first time in what felt like years, he felt a slow smile start to spread over his face.

It wasn’t much.

But it was a start.


End file.
